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Managing Sexual Identity
Copied with permission from: www.sexualidentityinstitute.org
If you are considering what it would mean to manage your sexual identity, you might look at the following suggestions:
- Managing the Environment - One of the most amazing findings in the area of sexual behavior is that our environment contributes significantly to what we experience as sexual attraction as well as what manifests as a result of our attractions. The place to begin is to identify the items, places, and relationships, and so on that are in one's environment and facilitate same-gender sexual thoughts, attraction, or behavior. These will vary from person to person.
- Items- Sarah owns several items that are homosexually stimulating to her. These items are a shirt, pin, tie, picture, candle, and so on. Some of the items were given as gifts, and other items simply represent to her a time when she was actively involved in a same-gender sexual relationship.
- Places- John has fewer items of concern, but he struggles with places that represent to him something that sparks homosexual fantasy or a desire to act out through same-gender sexual behavior or masturbation. These places include bars, playgrounds, bike paths, rest rooms, and so on that John associates for whatever reason with same-gender sexual behavior or fantasy.
- Relationships- Mary finds that certain relationships are particularly difficult for her in light of her goals. Some of these relationships are past sex partners, while others are current friends with whom she experiences an emotional longing for connection.
- Identifying Patterns - Patterns that may be of concern as you contend with same-gender sexual behavior and attraction have to do with how you relate to others, including family and friends, your daily routine, the weekly and monthly patterns of relating to others (and yourself), and generational patterns that contribute to your experiences, including what was said and modeled for you in the areas of sexual behavior and education.
- Broadening your definition of "success" - When people who experience same-gender attraction choose to work toward chastity and related goals, they face a similar challenge in how they think of what constitutes success. They could think of success quite narrowly as being rid of every vestige of same-gender attraction. However, existing research suggests that this is unlikely for most people who contend with same-gender attraction. Alternatives to such thinking could be defining success as broadly as putting in place strategies to help maintain chastity in relation to one's behaviors or thought life.
Although there is no set "end point" you reach in this process, you might review what you have set out for yourself as goals in the area of intimacy, sexual behavior, and sexual identity. The following are the kinds of goals often looked at when facilitating sexual identity:
- Increased knowledge of the possible multiple influences on your current experiences of same-gender attraction and behavior
- Can recognize the relationships among physical sensations, thoughts, feelings, and behavior
- Can manage thoughts and behaviors that further influence same-gender attraction and behavior
- Experiences a reduction in the frequency and intensity of same-gender attraction and behavior
- Has a firm sense of self-identity that is consistent with your life goals
- Can identify spiritual resources that facilitate life goals, particularly as they contribute to a practical theology of sanctification
- Explore your capacity for relating to others in emotionally meaningful ways while maintaining the freedom to achieve chastity in relationships
Mark A. Yarhouse, Psy.D.
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