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A pastor's story The first day in my new school, a guy named Bill invited me to his church. I'd gone to Sunday School sporadically, and knew it would be a good place to find some new friends. So I started going every week with him to the church just down the hill from our school. Later, in grade 10, we were invited to a six-week series of classes, to be followed by a special confirmation service for those who wanted to join the church. I'll never forget the sermon that Sunday morning. "You're not joining a club," the minister told us. "What you're really doing is giving your lives to Jesus Christ, asking Him to come in and take control." I'd never heard that before. "God," I prayed, "if You're really there, I invite You to come into my life. Please forgive me for my sins, and help me become the person You want me to be." As I prayed, something happened. Deep inside I just knew that God was real, and I was overwhelmed with the feeling of being loved. God loved me, little John Howard! It was an amazing! After that service in April, 1963, I went to every possible church activity. I had a new hunger to read the Bible and pray. God and church suddenly became a very important part of my life. By grade 12, I sensed God wanted me to become a pastor. But at the same time, something else was happening, something hidden and troubling. As a young teen, I discovered a pile of old sporting magazines down in the basement. Flipping the pages, I was drawn to the Charles Atlas ads. Looking at the muscular body-builders, I thought: Now that's what a real man looks like. "I wish I could look like that". I found those photos sexually arousing, and started masturbating while looking at them. Later, I accidentally discovered another magazine in a corner store, filled with handsome men in swim suits and jock straps in seductive poses. I felt fascinated and turned on. I felt guilty for looking, and yet the sexual excitement was strong and powerful. Thus, an inner conflict began that would continue for over 20 years. On the one hand, I prayed that God would take away these feelings; on the other, I continued to find them enjoyable. I was too ashamed to tell anyone else what was happening inside me. I had a lot of girlfriends during high school and felt very comfortable around them. Despite the increasing sexual desire for guys, I assumed I'd eventually get married. Through school and church, I met a girl named Vicki and we started dating. We married when we were both 21, but the conflict inside of me only increased. Often, I'd have homosexual fantasies while being intimate with my wife, and secretly sought out magazines and books to feed my homosexual desires. Posted to our first church in 1972, Vicki and I had our first daughter, and then adopted a son. Later, we had another girl. I deeply loved my wife and children, but the lustful thoughts were out of control. Although I didn't want to lose my family, I felt an increasing desire to act out my homosexual feelings, to see if reality was the same as fantasy. In the summer of 1974, on my way home from a conference, I was delayed and missed my connecting flight in Winnipeg. Instead of staying with friends, I went to a hostel which had the reputation for homosexual activity. Another man approached me that night, and I invited him to my room. After he left, I headed for the showers. I felt so guilty and dirty -- and afraid of venereal disease. Later that night, I knelt beside the bed and prayed. "God, I'm so sorry. Please forgive me. I'll never do this again! Please take away these feelings!" Years later, on staff at a large church in Barrie, Ontario, frequently I had to travel to Toronto, attending meetings and doing hospital visitation. On these trips I had trouble staying out of adult bookstores. "God, please help me," was my frequent prayer on the drive into Toronto. But once I got there, it felt like a huge hand pulled me in. I'd browse through the gay magazines and memorize the pictures, later fantasizing about what I'd seen. I felt angry and guilty -- but I couldn't stop. Then I started driving past cruising areas and reading graffiti on bathroom walls. I knew if this behaviour continued, I'd get drawn into homosexual activity again. If that were to happen, I knew I'd eventually get caught and lose my family and my job. I saw destruction down that path. Meanwhile at church, I was meeting regularly with ten small group leaders. Discussing problems in their groups as well as any personal issues, we got to know each other really well. One Friday after a meeting, Anne and Merle approached me. "John, we sense you're really struggling with something," they said. "If you ever want to talk, we want you to know we're here for you." I brushed them off. "Oh, no, everything's fine. Thanks a lot." Inside, I was scared. "Now they can see I'm homosexual!" I thought. The following Wednesday, I ended up in an adult bookstore in Toronto again. On the drive home, God spoke to me: "John, I've provided these people for you to talk with." I called one of the ladies that night and said I needed to meet with them. The following Friday, I talked to them all afternoon, pouring out my soul. They loved and accepted me, often crying with me as we shared together. We committed ourselves to meeting every two weeks. Each time, we asked God to tell us what we needed to be discuss, and then waited for Him to reveal an incident or feeling to talk and pray about. Gradually we uncovered the roots of my behaviour and God began the process of restoration in my life. These women became my support group and my accountability partners. When I was going to Toronto, I could call them up and ask for prayer. What a difference! The "hand" at the bookstore was now puny and withered, and I could resist it when I wanted to. The addiction to pornography and masturbation began to wane. God showed me that my sexual addiction had become my way of comforting myself in hurt, anger, stress, loneliness, and boredom. He began to teach me how to handle those emotions in a healthy way. He also helped me to accept my body, to realize that it was His gift to me, not something to be ashamed of. He brought healing to my fractured relationship with my father, and He gradually helped me feel confident in my masculinity and my identity as a man. The restoration that took place in that year was huge for me! While for over 20 years I had begged God to work a miracle in my life supernaturally (without anyone else knowing), God had a different way. He wanted to use people to help restore me. He was applying the truth of James 5:16, "Therefore, confess your paraptoma [trespasses, sins, flaws, faults] to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed." After about a year, I knew my wife had to know what was going on. One night, I finally confessed to her my struggles with homosexuality. Vicki was hurt that I'd kept this part of me from her for so many years, but she affirmed that she had married me "for better or for worse". As long as I was seeking healing, she would stand beside me. But if I ever went out and had another affair, whether homosexual or heterosexual, that would be the end of our marriage. Her healthy boundaries helped me to want not to fall again. And, I slowly discovered that we could enjoy each other sexually without my needing a homosexual fantasy for stimulation. The healing process continued over the months (and is still going on – He's not finished with me yet!). One morning on the news, I heard about the arrest of a group of men in another city for homosexual activity in a public washroom. After they were booked and released, one of them, a man who'd been a Sunday School teacher and elder in his church, returned home to say good-bye to his wife and children, then went out and killed himself. I wept, knowing that, except for God's grace, that could have been me. "God," I prayed, "I give you permission to take my story public if it can prevent even one person from taking his or her life. It was amazing how God started bringing people across my path who told me about their struggle with same-gender attraction. I eventually started a support group, and was asked to be on the Board of New Direction, a Christian ministry whose mission is "to create a safe place for same-gender attracted people to journey toward wholeness in Christ." Since 2006, I've been working as a counsellor. I love my work helping men, women, youth and their families come to terms with same-gender attractions, learn how to handle them in healthy and non-destructive ways, and discover how to manage and change addictive thought-processes and behaviours and to enjoy becoming the people God intends us to be free of guilt and shame. Rev. John Howard lives in Barrie, Ontario, and has a counselling practice. He is also on staff with New Direction for Life Ministries of Canada. John has shared his story on "100 Huntley St.," a Christian TV program seen across Canada. He and his wife, Vicki, have three children, and five grandchildren.
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